My Cave

   Today I am writing about a place where I spent so many years of my life in, a place where my Father walked me out of, a place where I still struggle to this day to not go back to. I call this place “my cave”. I created my cave when I was a child out of fear, hurt, and rejection that I didn’t know how to deal with. I built walls of “protection” and I would go to this place when I didn’t want to feel anything. My cave became a place of comfort and I really thought I was protecting myself by staying there. It wasn’t until God started dealing with me when I got older that I realized that choosing to stay there really kept me from truly surrendering to God and it separated me from people, from good relationships. At some point after meeting my husband I came out of my cave and made myself vulnerable to him. This was when I first realized that it existed and that life could be different if I came out of there. There have been many times in our marriage when I ran back to my cave when I felt hurt or overwhelmed. There were some things we dealt with in our marriage that I never thought we would deal with and it felt better to stay in my cave and protect myself from the pain. The bad thing is when I let myself stay there, I became calloused, cold and numb. This is a dangerous place and at different times in my life I made really stupid choices from that place, some that I regret to this day. I believe a lot of people have a similar place. Living in my cave was so comfortable at the time but you see, the enemy loved keeping me there because he played with my mind while I was there. He fed me lies since I was a child that I believed and it affected me as a person. I was bound by fear. I had no confidence and a horrible self esteem. I really believed that I was safe there. When I realized that I needed to come out and be free I didn’t know how. I literally had to take my Father’s hand and let Him help me out. I was desperate to be free. I knew that I would never become who God designed me to be if I didn’t. It was so scary at first and uncomfortable. I imagine it’s what an animal that has lived in a cage all their life feels like when they get set free. It feels unsafe at first and they have to learn to live free. Every day since then has been a faith walk and every time I choose to obey has been another step further away from my cave. I won’t lie. It has not been easy and I struggle many moments to not go back there. I realize that all of my life I defaulted to this place without even trying. I am getting better at catching myself because I continuously ask my Helper to show me and He really does, but some days are hard. Being naturally introverted makes it even easier to go there but I am learning to reach out when I am tempted to run back there. If you have a similar place let me tell you that you will never experience the life God intends for you until you choose to take down your walls and break out of this place. Sometimes you have to get to a place where you are sick and tired but do whatever it takes to be free. Don’t believe the lies that tell you that you will never be free or that this is just the way you are. You can choose to be free no matter how you feel. Trust your Father and trust His process. There is nothing like being free.

#freedom #comeoutofthecave
~ Dez